Farewell to Cancer and to my Finger Party

Hosting a party may seem like a strange thing to do when you have just been diagnosed with cancer, but it gave me something positive to throw myself into while I waited for the day of surgery. 10 days after diagnosis I had a Farewell party. Dark humor kept it all fun and positive. I was surrounded with family and friends.  It was wonderful. One friend had temporary tattoos for people to put on their pointer fingers in a show of solidarity and I even had one friend dye her hair pink in support. She's a nut :)

I lasted from 7-11 then hit the proverbial wall and pulled an Irish goodbye (going upstairs to bed without saying goodnight/goodbye to my guests) so that they continued to have fun. It was really fun to hear them all down there having fun on my behalf. I am so lucky to have such great support. <3

One last thought,  if ever you come across a situation like this, never ever tell the amputee stories of when you sliced off the top of your finger with a mandolin. Or when your uncle had his fingers cut off by a saw... It doesnt make us feel better!  Just sayin...

Events and Thoughts From Week 1

I wont blog about every day of every week, but I think this week is important.

Weds I got the news. Needless to say, it was an emotional day. Not really a blur.  It was more of an exhausting frightening time. No one likes to think about their mortality.  Its not the first time I have had the experience of being bombarded with life changing bad news, but it was the first time it was about my life. I cried until I had no more tears, then after getting the good news about my clean lung scan, I told my children.  I think because I was positive (and cried out) they handled it really well.  No tears, just a lot of questions.  It was one of the worse days of my life. 

Thurs, I was able to meet with the Chief, Orthopaedic Oncology Director of the Sarcoma Program at Penn. She was more positive in her review than I expected. I was able to ask all of my questions, but it was clear that she felt I was an easy case.  Just lop off that finger and you are good to go. I got little sympathy or hand holding, but she sees people with little hope all the time so I suppose my case seemed small to her and to her credit she did me and my doctor a huge favor fitting me into her schedule on less than 24 hours notice! 

The surgeon wanted me to do the amputation the next day(Friday) but I really felt I needed to do research, and get other opinions on my situation. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the situation. The oncologist indicated that it wouldn't matter to hold off 2 weeks to do my surgery so I opted to do that.  One week would have been perfect. I think 2 might be a bit long to wait it out... but it was my only option. I was really feeling like they were guessing at what needed to be removed from my hand.  Her comment was that I could be cancer free right now but that I would be rolling the dice if I didnt amputate. I wondered then if I could just take out the tissue next to the tumor not have to amputate... I knew in my heart the finger would have to go but I still tried to look for ways around it.

My surgeon called that evening and I recounted the meeting with the oncologist. He had already spoken to the her.  He, being the wonderful guy he is, offered to arrange a meeting between me and a PA he worked with at Penn that has an amputated finger (female with the same finger as mine missing). We agreed to meet after his surgeries Friday.  

Friday, 4/1 I was really nervous. If I am honest I find amputations a bit creepy. I know.. its shallow and silly but I am being honest!  Hers was lower than mine was but it didnt look bad. She was so gracious and encouraging. She even gave me her number so we can keep in touch.  I mentioned that I was going to throw myself a Farewell to my Finger and Cancer Party and both she and my surgeon wanted to come. :)  I cant say that seeing her hand made me feel better, but listening to her attitude about it really did. She embraces it as part of who she is. I felt really upbeat after the meeting. Positive and nearly happy. Its such a roller coaster ride.

Sat through Mon, I tanked. I have been depressed and so fatigued. I've barely left the house or my bed for that matter. Not good. I have several doctors appointments scheduled (dentist and knee ortho) which I will keep. I am going to try to focus on the party... and I am going to write. I think it will help me to blog this experience.  Sunday I joined http://www.rare-cancer.org/ . I was searching and found a woman with a similar story and a cancer that must be a cousin of what I have. She has had her finger and part of her hand removed. Her attitude is amazing and she had all positive things to say. It helps. 

(before pic of the lump they thought was a ganglion cyst, and after surgery pic with the indication for where they will cut)Tues (day 6 since diagnosis) I feel like I am emotionally on the way back up. I met with a Psychiatrist  today and while she was really expensive, I found her to be really helpful. She helped link a lot of my thoughts together. She gave me some tools... It was great.  I will see her a week after the surgery.