The Yin and Yang of Life

A starting definition: Yin / Yang : Two halves that together complete wholeness. Yin and yang are also the starting point for change. When something is whole, by definition it is unchanging and complete. So when you split something into two halves – yin / yang, it upsets the equilibrium of wholeness. This starts both halves chasing after each other as they seek a new balance with each other.

My life is one big adventure.  Here are my suggestions.

🔹If your life is not an adventure, make it so. Say yes more. Its to easy to say no and easy to be complacent.  Learn and do.
🔹Invest in people.  The ones you love and the ones you just meet. They will always surprise you. (Good and bad but you cant have one without the other!)
🔹Live your life now because its the only one you will get and another day is not promised.

I found out on Wednesday, that I have cancer.  Specifically extraskeletal mixoid chondrosarcoma of the left index finger. Apparently it is a rare cancer, usually effecting men, and extremely rare on the hand. The good news, Yin, is that the scan of my lungs was clear so it appears it hasn't spread. The bad news, Yang, is that this slow growing type of cancer doesn't respond to Chemo or Radiation treatment, so the top 1/2 of my finger will need to be amputated. 

I had a pea sized lump on the top of my left index finger for about 6 years (I combed old photos to determine the year). Originally I was told it looked like a bone spur and more recently a benign ganglion cyst. It was suggested that if it didn't bother me I should just leave it as it sometimes comes back after it's removed anyway. I lived with it but recently decided out of pure vanity that I wanted it removed. After trying to aspirate the cyst they decided it was more likely a fibrous cyst and it needed to be removed surgically.  The doctor told me not to worry because cancer of the hand is exceedingly rare but as a matter of routine they would send the cyst for testing.  I didn't worry, but when I went to get my stitches out, I got the bad news. 1. I have cancer and 2. It's not treatable with drugs so I have to have an amputation.  Thank goodness I was able to get a chest scan right then and there.  My doctor made sure to have the results asap and called me that evening. It was the longest 5 hours of my life. It's a very odd feeling when the best case scenario is to lose your finger and the worse is that a non treatable cancer has spread to your lungs and the prognosis is 5ish years.

I feel like I should be more upset than I am about it. I definitely have ups and downs and had lots of tears, but generally I just feel thankful that they caught it before it spread and that my prognosis is really good!  It will be a threat for at least 10 yrs, but I will be scanned every 3 months for 2 years, every 6 months for another 2 and every year for 6 years after that. I am fortunate to have access to the best doctors in Philadelphia,(Penn) and have amazing family/friends advocating for me as well.  My surgery is on April 15th.  I am sure the months after the surgery will be difficult for me emotionally, but its the best option I have.

It all has been going so quickly.  There isn't a lot out there on this particular cancer/location so everyone seems to be referring to other Sarcomas which are much bigger than mine and often more aggressive. I have found it frustrating to talk to the doctors about just how much of my finger needs to go. I feel like I am fighting for my finger. In my opinion there is a lot of guessing at the amount to remove. Being conservative and taking more than they need off for margins seems to be the norm. Initially they were talking about taking both of my knuckle joints and after meeting with 3 doctors and batting around the situation and specifics we have agreed I can keep one joint so I will only lose 1/2 of my finger. That means everything to me. Even 1/4 of an inch is hugely important to me. It might be vain but I have to live with this finger and look at it for the rest of my life.  I want to be 100 % safe and cancer free, but I also don't want to just lop off more than is needed. Technology is great today and they can test the margins during the actual surgery. It takes more effort on the doctor's part but for me it gives me the piece of mind that I did everything I could to keep the most amount of my finger safely. That being said, I am happy for them to take the parts that they need to take so that I live long enough to see my grandchildren grow up.

I have been joking a lot about the amputation and am a fan of the dark humor :) I keep telling people they have to be really really nice to me until April 15th because "I have cancer"... but after that.. I am moving forward with the assumption that I will be cancer free and I don't want to dwell on it. :) 

I think my second biggest fear (death being the first) is that having an amputated finger will be a conversation stopper. That people will find it creepy and feel uncomfortable.  I am sure that this is just my perception and it will all be fine, but it's my fear, rational or not (I will add that even I think its creepy! lol).  I think I need to come up with a cool story to tell. "I was camping in Alaska and a grizzly bear attacked my group. I fought it off so everyone got out safely, but it chewed off my finger."  My son is designing me a cool 3-d printed robotic prostheses :)  I like the idea of something interesting, not one that looks like its trying to be a finger. Maybe an ET finger prosthetic! lol

I am going to try to blog about this because this cancer is so rare and I haven't been able to find out much online.  It might help someone else out there.